OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
