She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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