I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
