I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
