ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
