Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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