He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
