It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize