i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my shit smells like andre
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
