Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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