these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
