True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She's the barista slut.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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