Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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