I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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