Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The adults are the big ones right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
