my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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