Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
