Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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