shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
