i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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