I hope mine doesn't look like that
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
