you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
