Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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