come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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