moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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