I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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