I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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