Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
