pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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