I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
4 words: hood of his car
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I checked into jail on foursquare
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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