I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
