i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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