Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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