Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
