Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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