Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
