sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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