Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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