I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
