my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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