I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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