i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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