And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
