it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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