I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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