You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
