I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
