I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
