i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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