Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
