Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
