I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
