dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
