yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Success! We fucked roommates!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize