The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
