Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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