i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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