When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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