You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
